Banned from zoo.
Again?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
