I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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