You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
