I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize