The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
