im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
