Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
