i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
