listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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