So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
