My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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