VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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