WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
