If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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