who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
