i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
