Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize