i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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