put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
All the doctor said was why
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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