my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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