I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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