I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
