Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
