my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
