I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
