Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
