I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
