The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My vagina is very pro this idea
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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