So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
