Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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