I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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