can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
