Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
