I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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