I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
