yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
