So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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