hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize