If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
