decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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