I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize