her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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