I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
