Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
