I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
