He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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