Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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