tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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