I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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