Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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