tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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