I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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