They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
