it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
one two three fourrrrnication!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
