I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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