I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
false alarm, still single
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