Sponge bath it is.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
