I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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