dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
