dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize