Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was confusing and full of hummus
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
